When Words Feel Inadequate: What to Write in a Sympathy Card

I wish I was the expert on what to write in a sympathy card, but when it comes to the unimaginable pain of losing someone you love, words feel inadequate. When a friend of mine lost her daughter, I was shook. I couldn't even imagine what she was going through, I could only empathize and try and imagine how her and her family was feeling. Everything I tried to express or write felt like it wasn't enough, all words fell short. So, I was silent. I didn't send the card, or the flowers, or even reach out. I know I'm not the only person who has ever done that, but I do know that silence is worse than anything you send or write to someone who is grieving. I cried for her, I felt for her, I cared, but I kept it to myself, and I have a lot of regret for that moment of failure. I eventually reached out, about a year later, and we have since spoken about her loss, and grief. But in her moment of need, I failed to reach out.

When someone we care about is grieving, finding the right words to express our sympathy feels impossible. We want to provide comfort, but no matter how hard we try, it often feels like nothing we say is enough. You might find yourself staring at the blank space inside a sympathy card, like I was, unsure of what to write. If that’s you, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with offering words of comfort that don’t feel generic or insincere. Just remember, what you say isn't going to fix their feelings of grief and sadness, it can't change how they feel about their loss — but it will show them that you care, that you are there for them, and make them feel less alone.

At Kincaid Creative, we know that while the outside of the sympathy card is important, it’s the personal message inside that shows your true care and empathy. It’s hard to find the perfect balance—something heartfelt, honest, and soothing. But with a little guidance, you can offer comfort with just the right words.

Here are some ideas on what you can say (and what you shouldn’t say) when you’re sending your condolences:

What to Say in a Sympathy Card

1. Offer a Simple, Heartfelt Statement

• "I’ve been thinking of you so much."
• "Sending you love as you navigate this loss."
• "I wish I had the right words—I just want you to know I care."
• "You’ve been on my mind and in my heart."

Use gentle, sincere words to express your compassion without overwhelming someone who is grieving. Speak from the heart, be authentic, and let them know you care about their loss.

2. Share a Memory or Special Moment

• "I’ll never forget the time when [name] did [special memory]. That moment will always bring a smile to my face."
• "I feel so lucky to have known [name]. They brought so much light and joy to everyone around them."

Sharing a meaningful memory reminds the recipient of the good times, and can be a lovely way to celebrate the life of the person who has passed. This will work if you knew the person, or the family well – so if you have wonderful memories, share them.

3. Acknowledge the Grief

• "I can only imagine how heavy your heart must feel right now."
• "There are no words that can truly capture the depth of your loss."
• "I can’t begin to understand all that you’re feeling, but I know this must hurt deeply."
• "It’s hard to find meaning when the heart is aching this much."

Sometimes acknowledging the emotional weight of the situation can be more comforting than trying to "fix" it. When we see our friends and family grieving, we instinctively want to make their pain go away, but in these situations, it's not possible. Empathize with their feelings, don't make an attempt to eliminate their feeling.

4. Offer Your Support

• "I'd love to bring over a meal or two sometime soon. I’ll reach out in a few days to see what might work."
• "If a quiet moment would help, I’d be happy to watch the kids for a bit. We can find a time that works when you’re ready."
• "I’m nearby often and can pick up anything you need—I'll follow up soon to check in."
• "When you feel up to it, I’d be honored to help with small things—laundry, dishes, walking the dog. I’ll be in touch."

When you offer your support, be specific, and offer to check back in to find a time that might work. Always be flexible and allow them space if they aren't feeling up for visitors, being social, or even making decisions. Offering help and support is a simple but powerful way to show that you care and that you’re there for them. But for some, it's hard to reach out. 

5. Acknowledge Their Strength

• "You’ve shown such incredible strength through this, and I know that [name] would be so proud of you."
• "You are carrying something heavy, and you are doing it with quiet courage."
• "There is no weakness in sadness, only a heart brave enough to feel."

Offering words of encouragement can help remind the grieving person of their inner strength and resilience. It also sends them a message that grief doesn't have a routine, calendar, ritual, or set of instructions – it's a heavy load and they are doing fine right where they are.

What NOT to Say in a Sympathy Card

While your intentions may be good, there are a few things to avoid saying in a sympathy card:

1. "They’re in a better place." This statement can be painful, especially if the grieving person would rather have them here. While this may come from a place of comfort, it can feel dismissive of the person’s grief. Remember that the person you’re writing is in deep pain, and sometimes hearing about the "better place" can feel like their emotions are being invalidated.

2. "I know exactly how you feel." Even though you may have experienced a similar loss, grief is personal, and no two people experience it the same way. It’s better to offer your empathy rather than claiming to understand the depth of their pain.

3. "At least they lived a full life." While it’s true that a long life is something to celebrate, this statement can come across as minimizing the loss. The person may still be grieving the loss of someone they loved deeply, regardless of how long they lived.

4. "Everything happens for a reason." Grief is complex and doesn’t always make sense. It’s best to avoid offering explanations that may feel dismissive of the person’s pain. Instead, focus on offering compassion and support.

5. "Let me know if you need anything." This can be a well-meaning statement, but it puts the onus on the grieving person to reach out. In a time of emotional exhaustion, they may not feel up to asking for help. Instead, offer specific ways you can assist—like helping with meals, taking care of kids, or doing grocery shopping.

Other Ways to Support Someone Grieving

In addition to sending a heartfelt sympathy card, there are practical ways to offer your support. Grieving can take a physical and emotional toll on someone, so your thoughtful gestures can make a world of difference:

• Flowers or Plants: A beautiful bouquet or a living plant can bring comfort and brighten the space during a dark time.
• Meals or Meal Delivery: Consider sending homemade meals, a meal delivery service, or even ordering take-out from their favorite restaurant.
• Childcare: Offering to watch children for a few hours can give the grieving person some much-needed rest or time to focus on other matters.
• Household Help: Offer to help with chores, such as cleaning, laundry, or grocery shopping, to ease the burden during a difficult time.
• Weekend Away: If they’re open to it, suggest a quiet getaway for a few days to recharge. Sometimes a change of scenery can be therapeutic.
• Grocery Pickup or Delivery: This can be a huge help, especially when grocery shopping feels like too much.
• Gift Cards: Gift cards for groceries, restaurants, or even online stores can give the grieving person the flexibility to get what they need when they need it.

Final Thoughts

Sending a sympathy card and offering your support are two powerful ways to show someone that you care. While there’s no "perfect" thing to say during times of grief, being genuine and thoughtful goes a long way. I believe that the heart behind your words is what truly matters—don’t worry about finding the "right" phrase; just speak from the heart.

Remember, your compassion, your presence, and your support are what will matter most to the person going through such a difficult time. So, whether it’s a few heartfelt lines or a simple note offering help, your message will be appreciated more than you know.